The “Do” and the “Be” Box - Saturday, June 26th, 2010

One of my favorite speakers and authors is John Bytheway.  I have referenced him several times in blogs. Here we go again.  I want to share one his messages and relate it to raising kids in wrestling. 

I get a lot of questions on how to raise a young wrestler in the sport for long term success.  The common questions are:  how do I make sure they are having fun? how do I make sure they don’t feel too much pressure? how do I make sure they don’t get burned out? etc. 

This idea speaks well to that subject. 

Bytheway suggests that our comments, words of acceptance and encouragement fall into one of two categories, either the “do” box, or the “be” box. 

The “do” box is based on performance.  Bytheway describes the “do” box as saying “if you live up to my expectations I will give you praise.”  Basically if the son does something well, you give them praise.  That’s fine, and hard work should be recoginzed.

 The “be” box is when we make our loved ones feel accepted and we praise them just because of who they are.  They are your son or daughter, and you love and accept them just for that.  These comments reinforce that you love and accept your young wrestler, just because of who they are. 

For example, if you are talking to your son and you say, “Bill (or whatever their name is), you are my son, and I love you just for that.  Now go out there and do the very best that you can and I will be proud of you.”   That is filling up the “be” box and is in the best interest of the kid.

Be aware and careful of comments like “nothing would make me happier (or more proud) then to see you win state.”  That sends the message that in order to get praise and acceptance your young wrestler must win.  That is confusing to them and usually has a negative effect on their long term ability to deal with pressure.  Also comments like, “you should…, or you have the ability to,   or just wrestle up to your ability…” can have the same negative effect on kids.

As you can see, we tend to fill up the “do” box a lot more then the “be” box.  Even though it is a no brainer that we love and accept our family for who they are and not what they do, those thoughts don’t always make it out of our mouths.   We can easily take that for granted and forget about the “be” box. 

This idea has had a nice impact on me and the way I speak to my family and I hope it helps you too.  Let’s fill up the “be” box!  Ha-ha that’s a little cheesy but very important.

Consider how God speaks of His son Jesus Christ.

“This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” -Matt. 3:17

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