Ask Cael: September 12th, 2008

Story Published Monday, September 15th, 2008

Sarah from South Dakota: I know you have answered many questions about how to promote our children’s wrestling adventures in a positive way. I have a similar question. My son has been wresting for about 4 years, he is now 9. He started off really strong and had great results. He had one difficult year and doesn’t seem like the same kid on the mat. From the stands and the videos, he doesn’t really even look like he’s trying, although he still loves the sport. I want to make sure that I am not pushing him, but that I am encouraging him to get the results he wants. We are coming up on a new season now and I was wondering what words you would use if this was your child. I just can’t get him to understand that he has the talent, he just can’t be afraid to use it. Thank you so much for your time.

Cael: “Hello Sarah,

Great question. I almost had your question answered– talking about how even though we don’t want to put pressure on our kids to win, we need to make it clear that our expectation is that they do their best. It is important to guide our kids and let them know what our expectations are. If we don’t guide them, someone or something else will. I’ll talk more about that further down in the answer.

After re-reading your question it sounds to me like you guys might be focusing on results. Focusing on results can make it hard and really no fun for a kid. It needs to be fun. If it isn’t fun, there is a chance he won’t try as hard. It can be really tricky. Your wrestler may be misinterpreting what you’re saying when you tell him that you want him to get the results that he wants. That’s why I would just focus on effort. Encourage him to do his best. His best effort will bring his best results. Keep it really simple.

When you say that you can’t get your son to understand that he has talent and can’t be afraid to use it, that is putting expectations on him. I would guess that he interprets that as he should be winning, or he should win most of the time or something based on outcome. Really, I wouldn’t talk to him about anything more than doing his best. It’s certainly a good thing for your kids to know that you believe in them, but just be aware of the fine line between encouragement and expectations. Telling a kid he has talent and potential is good as long as the clear expectation is about effort and not performance.

Kids are very good at reading their parent’s emotions. So if they win or lose and their parents are getting fired up or disappointed, they will know. I’ve mentioned this several times, but most kids do not want to disappoint their parents. That is far more important then winning or losing to them, in my opinion. That means encourage, but don’t put pressure to perform. Make sure your actions are in line with your words.

Even though we don’t want our kids to feel like we are pushing them just so they win, we need to still push them. They need guidance and direction. Growing up, my parents made the sport about having fun and recreation. Just like youth soccer, baseball, football etc. It was simply a game. My dad never put pressure on me or my brothers to win, but he did expect us to give every match and every practice our best effort. We knew what the expectation was–we were expected to give it our best effort every time we stepped on the mat. We also knew that we were expected to give academics our best effort. I’ve probably written this before but my dad used to tell us that “we didn’t come here to win, we came to fight” before big matches. That meant to try as hard as we could to win and if we didn’t, that was fine. We did know that we were expected to fight with our best effort, everytime we stepped on the mat. If we didn’t fight my parents wouldn’t spend their money and time to take us to tournaments.

My dad had us believe it was a privilege and a reward to wrestle. Of course this is true but it is really easy for a young kid to think they wrestle for their parents and not because it’s fun. He basically tricked us or persuaded us into being the best we could be.

I don’t think your child will ever come back once they’ve grown up and say, “Geez mom & dad, why did you push me so much? I could have reached level 10 on my Playstation game.” However, they will come back and say, “Why didn’t you push me harder & make me learn a skill or develop a talent?”

Set the standard of excellence early with the process of the sport & in academics, not creating expectations with results. Help your kids focus on the process of giving their best effort in training & competition by tricking them or whatever you think it will take. Every kid is different. But every kid wants the approval of their parents more then anything else in the world. Expect them to give their best effort, and then praise them for their effort win or lose. With this approach, I promise they will have the best chance for success. The goal is to become the best that we can with what we have. This approach will help your kids become the best they can be.

Thanks!
Cael “

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