Ask Cael: I think I am completely guilty of shaping my kid into a “Head Case”

Story Published Thursday, February 25th, 2010

name: Carman

question: Cael, I recently stumbled across your blog and was completely blown away by the Positive Perfectionist. As a mother I think I am completely guilty of shaping my kid into a “Head Case” He had early success as an 8 year old and we came to expect that and even though I say to my son it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, just wrestle your best and that is always good enough for us. I think he feels my actions when I am visibly more excited when he wins and find myself saying things like if you had not made that mistake in the 2nd round you would have had him. Then I try to cover it up by saying it’s ok that’s how you learn and grow. I guess what I really have is a thank you.
—-

Carman,
Thanks for the email. My blogs are from a coaches/ athlete’s perspective so it is much easier to look from the outside in. Being a parent is tough. It is easily the toughest thing in the world imo. I have a young son and I have a difficult time even thinking about him stubbing a toe.

I’m sure you are doing a fine job. What’s great is that you realize that you could tweak what you are doing to better help your son. The quality of being coachable is a huge deal. Regardless of where we are in life, being coachable is huge, whether we are a coach, athlete or parent.

The truth is that we put our kids in sports to have fun, exercise, and learn life lessons. It’s not to beat Billy down the street, even though that is pretty fun. Competition is fun but not why we put are kids in sports.

When we remember this and it’s in our hearts, it is much easier to help our kids. Kids are very perceptive and really smart; they pick on the smallest clues. They will figure it out if you are concerned about the results more then the effort. We won’t be able to hide or cover up those feelings. Our kids will know our true intent.

So the first goal I would think would be for the parents to know that they put their kids in wrestling for right reasons. You put them in the sport to learn the life lessons. Of course you want them to win, but you want them to win because you want them to be happy and to see results for their hard work. But you don’t want them to win for you. It is their career and as parents we are just here to help them. You help them by being positive, and encouraging them. As a parent or coach it is our job to find the positives and to exploit them. Coach Cunningham talks about exploiting our kids positives. It is a big deal to do that.

You should expect a lot out of them too, but what you expect is hard work and a great effort. That’s the goal. I could go on and on here so I will write a blog soon. Best wishes and keep up the great work. It’s all about making progress.

Latest Questions in the Ask Cael Archive

- question: Do you think starting wrestling at a young age is helpful/important?
- I have been a head coach for only 2 years, so I cannot expect overnight success but This school has so much potential. Please help me with pointers on this problem.
- A kid that I wrestle in practice won’t let me tie up with him. I beat him but how do i get a hold on him when he always circles out when I try to tie up with him.
- Everyone around here almost automatically defers when they win the choice to start the second period. I believe that is counter-productive and want my boys to take bottom every time.
- I have two boys who love to wrestle, what do you think is the best way to bring them up the ranks, without “burning them out?” And what would be some good motivational ideas?
- I have watched videos of you in college where you put your head to the mat. Are you gaining an advantage by using your head on the mat?
- Can you explain why college wrestlers defense is so different?
- What is your philosophy regarding Team v. Individual in the sport of wrestling and how do you communicate this philosophy?
- What causes passivity? How can we overcome it?
- I graduated 2 years ago and recently got a coaching job coaching my old middle school team. What is some advice you could give me to help me get moves across to my team without skipping important details?

View Complete Ask Cael Archive by Date